Burning Passions

Silly season comes to Malaysia as the anniversary of our independence lurks just around the corner. The reason I don't join in is because I'm way too stingy and lazy to spend the money and effort to buy and install the flag; I have nothing to prove. Plus, this is nothing more than an attempt to stroke some really big, yet fragile egos who are merely riding on the sacrifices and successes of their predecessors.

Information Minister Datuk Zainuddin Maidin, however, has his own theories.

"Some people are shy to put up the flag at their houses. It is not embarrassing, so why feel shy?"

...those who did not fly the Jalur Gemilang were unpatriotic and had no love for the country. These people, he added, also did not appreciate what the country’s leaders had done and were ignorant of the fact that the comfort and prosperity they enjoyed today were the results of a long struggle.

If I had "no love for the country", I'd be dabbling in more exciting and profitable lines like drug trafficking, prostitution, sand theft, poaching and illegal logging, not to mention CD and DVD piracy. If I were "unpatriotic" I'd be spotting soft targets in the country for the likes of Jemaah Islamiyah or maybe Abu Sayyaf.

But no. Cowardly, honest me had to learn Malay to pass all my exams, take up an honest line of work cranking documents, pay my taxes, contribute to the EPF and endure inefficient bureaucracy for my driver's license, MyKad and passport. For the sake of family, friends and the wonderful cooks who make my daily staples, I decide to stay put and stay out of trouble.

Not only is that not enough, I'm being accused of being an unpatriotic, unappreciative, ignorant Malaysia-hater.

What did the Prime Minister say about lies and slander, O Minister of Information?

While the Jalur Gemilang (the Stripes of Glory - our flag) is being hoisted by those who gave in to your lame attempt at emotional blackmail, home-grown terrors still stalk the streets: loan sharks, snatch thieves, burglars, road bullies, loutish cabbies, carjackers, robbers and corrupt policemen. How about telling them to "love our country" and stop what they're doing?

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Speaking of flags: The dagger-waving chief of UMNO Youth has given his underlings explicit permission to burn the flags of Israel - and if they feel like it - those of the US and Britain, in protest of the spat in Lebanon, with promises of a "tsunami wave of protest to force the mighty powers to bow to the demand for peace".

That's right, fear us! We burn flags! Repent and mend your ways or we will burn even more of your flags! And effigies! Tons of them! We'll reproduce your entire Senate/Cabinet/Parliament and set them ablaze! You will feel as if your own flesh is burning because of our extraordinary workmanship!

So what if it's currently the haze season? So what if open burning is against the law? We don't care!

The smoke from the piles of burning flags of the Great Satan, Evil Occupier and Subservient Poodle, while adding to the worsening quality of our air, brings us closer to the pain, the suffering of the victims of your scorched earth strategies! We will sacrifice our lungs, our sinuses, our eyes, our tonsils, every square centimetre of our mucous membranes in the name of peace and justice! So take that, you... youyou... you Minions of Hell!

...Oh yeah. That'll work for sure. Let me know when it happens; I need to book my oxygen tent and face masks in advance. Thank you.

A Spirited Rant On Blackouts

Since the last blackout here, there have been two or three more, by my rough count. That's an average of one every... month? I was twice interrupted by blackouts while working on the PC, and things like that can't be good for the equipment. Sweating in my fanless, stuffy room last night, I was so furious, I was rehearsing a rant in Malay- and here it is. An English translation follows.

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Wahai Mambang Kabinet; Mambang Rakyat Undi Masuk Parlimen; Mambang Jabatan Kerja Raya; Mambang Tenaga Nasional Tiap-tiap Bulan Aku Kena Bayar!

Baru-baru ini, bekalan tenaga elektrik ke kawasan Taman Overseas Union kerap terputus. Adakah ini sebab atau akibatnya harga bil elektrik seluruh negara "terpaksa" dinaikkan? Sudah dua kali ini berlaku semasa saya tengah guna komputer; satu kali semasa mandi. Tahukah anda semua betapa seksanya mandi dalam suasana gelap gelita?

Yang paling merisaukan adalah kemungkinan gangguan bekalan ini akan memudaratkan semua perkakas elektrik dalam rumah saya, khususnya komputer saya yang merupakan alat saya guna untuk cari makan. Saya pasti yang kamu semua tak akan menggantikannya sekiranya ia rosak.

Siapa dalang jenaka ini? Kalau bukan kerja Mambang Tenaga Nasional atau Mambang Jabatan Kerja Raya, ianya mungkin kerja Mambang Tukar Paip Air dari PUAS yang sedang berkeliaran di kawasan saya baru-baru ini. Mungkin juga disebabkan oleh jiran saya yang mempunyai sistem pendawaian yang rosak.

Negara ini bukannya sempurna sangat, tetapi saya tidak akan terima alasan bahawa ini satu "kebiasaan". Lebih-lebih lagi selepas mendengar khabar mengenai rancangan yang melibatkan Mambang Tenaga Nuklear. Dengan sikap dan cara kerja kalian semua yang membimbangkan, kebarangkalian besar nama sebuah daerah atau bandar negara tercinta ini akan menjadi semashyur Chernobyl.

Tolong selaraskan kerjasama di antara kalian semua dan pastikan kejadian seumpama ini tidak akan berulang lagi, sebelum kena bahang Mambang Api Keluar Mulut.

Sekian, terima kasih.

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O Spirits in The Cabinet; Spirits Voted Into Parliament; Spirits of The Public Works Department; Spirits of Tenaga Nasional (Electricity Board) That I Have To Pay Every Month!

Lately, the blackouts in Overseas Union Garden have been rather frequent. Is this the reason or consequence of the tariff hike? Blackouts have occured twice when I was using my PC; once while in the shower. Do you know the torment of having to shower in the dark?

The most worrying thing is that this might adversely affect all the appliances in the house, especially the PC, the tool so important in my line of work. I'm quite sure you won't replace it for me if it's damaged.

Who's behind this joke? If it's not the Spirits of the Electricity Board or Public Works Department, then it's probably the work of the Spirits of Pipe Replacement from PUAS (water management company) that have been lurking in my area lately. Or maybe it's just one of my neighbours with a faulty wiring system.

This isn't a perfect country, but I refuse to accept the excuse that all this is "normal". Even more so after hearing the news of your plans involving the Spirit of Nuclear Energy. With your worrisome attitude and the way you work, there's a good chance the name of some district or town in this beloved country will be as famous as Chernobyl.

Please get your act together and make sure this doesn't happen again, or feel the heat of the Spirit That Breathes Fire.

That is all, thank you.

Let's Rock4Yvonne

Since it's all for a good cause, I'm doing my bit for one of my favourite ladies. Frankly, I'm a bit embarrassed. This charity should have zoomed past its halfway mark in less than six months.

I got my ticket from the Canaanland bookstore at Centrepoint, where publicity for ROCK4HOPE at this site is virtually non-existent. No posters or even a handwritten notice to grab the attention of passers-by. Is it any wonder ticket sales were slow? Considering the poor penetration of Internet media in the country, even this post will do jack. But I'm giving it a try anyway.

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ROCK4HOPE

Performing Artists: Deja Voodoo Spells and A Day At The Zoo
Venue: Sunway University College, Multi-Purpose Hall
Date: 9th September 2006
Time: 7:30pm onwards
Ticket Price: RM20 only.

The concert's all about Yvonne's condition. There are other ways to help her out. Ticket sales details follow.

Get Your Tickets At:

• Fantasia Music Studio
  32-B, Jln 20/16A
  Paramount Garden, Section 20
  46300 Petaling Jaya
  Tel: 03-78738991
• Jaq's and Jan's
  (next to Victoria Station or Jake’s Charbroil steak house)
  Very Near Bangsar Shopping Center
  (so near in fact, you don't need to call)
• Attributes
  No. 8 Jln SS 13/6
  47500 Subang Jaya
• Canaanland (PJ Branch)
  F14, (First Floor), Centrepoint
  Lebuh Bandar Utama
  47800 Petaling Jaya
  Tel: 03-77260461
• Canaanland (KL Branch)
  8th Floor, Menara TA One
  22, Jalan P. Ramlee
  50250 Kuala Lumpur
  (Opposite Petronas Twin Towers/KLCC)
  Tel: 03-21662601/03-21662602
• Canaanland (Damansara Perdana branch)
  Unit 2-15, Perdana The Place
  No. 1, Jln PJU 8/5D
  Bandar Damasara Perdana
  47820 Petaling Jaya
  Tel: 03-77264233
• AYA Cafe
  No. 34B, Jalan SS 15/8
  47500 Subang Jaya
  Selangor
  Tel: 03-56378737, 603-5637473

So it's only RM20. Where else could you possibly get rock concert tickets for that price? You probably won't see me there, because I can't guarantee my presence at that date. What's your excuse?

Would It Be Wrong?

Picture this entirely hypothetical scenario: It's late at night and I'm having a shower when the lights go out, and - by a fluke of nature - the water stops flowing. I'm left in the dark, covered in shower cream, my hair glued to my scalp by shampoo and I can't see my hand in front of my face. It might be nth hours before everything is restored.

Can you imagine the pain? The discomfort? The terror? Would it be wrong, seditious or treasonous to call the ten Biblical plagues upon the heads of all I would hold responsible for my predicament? Are such outpourings considered threats to security and harmony as well? Will blogging it land me in jail?

We don't know. Nobody's saying anything.

I couldn't have put it better than Jeff Jarvis, who ended a related post thus: "Blogging was a helluva lot easier when all we wrote about was our cats."

No shit.

Bourdain on Beirut

Safe at home, Tony B finally put down his feelings on the aborted Lebanon shoot for his No Reservations series. A full excerpt is available here, if you find the original ad-riddled article at Salon.com a bit tedious.

There is no overwhelming anger towards the warring parties. He does not point fingers, or issue any clarion calls. Just pangs of regret at not being able to party, mingle, eat yummy Lebanese food, shoot it all and tell the world to drop by and get a taste of what might have been a great Lebanese adventure.

Along with the senseless fighting and loss of life, it's really among the saddest things about the current Middle East situation.

What's In A Name?

This journalist, like many others, fervently believes the hand poised on the Made-in-Iran Launch button is connected to a brain with sub-code wiring. The proof is in statements like these.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered government and cultural bodies to use modified Persian words to replace foreign words that have crept into the language, such as "pizzas" which will now be known as "elastic loaves," state media reported Saturday.

— Associated Press (AP), via Yahoo! News

Drastic, yet absurd measures to preserve the purity of the national language from the onslaught of corruption by foreign influences. By golly, it sounds so dreadfully familiar. But the prospects for comedy are good. I look forward to the day when I can yell, Roti liat, satu! (One "elastic loaf", please!) at my neighbourhood mamak stall, while enjoying a "short talk" with whatever friends I have left after twenty-odd years of separation, and mulling over the building of a "small room" somewhere in Langkawi.

I'm sure my "elastic loaf" would taste great, too.

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And why didn't I hear of this in the local mainstream news? Is this the reason why the Government has its entire digestive tract in Gordian knots over unfettered, free-for-all reporting via online media? Checking the related news sidebar on the BBC page, I'm starting to see a pattern, and for once, I can't blame them.

What takes the cake about this ban is that the names of animals, insects, fruit, vegetables or colours are involved. If this piece of legislation is actively enforced, it presents a particular dilemma for a certain minority. Words like huang (yellow), lan (blue) or ma (horse) are used as Chinese surnames, while long (dragon), feng (phoenix) or lin (unicorn) are powerful names for those with high expectations for their offspring. There are other words like feng (bee/wasp), hou (monkey), or ying (firefly).

No matter. As this post demonstrates, creativity is boundless.

If You See Red, Don't Go Green

Will Greenpeace See Red?
I've always been ambivalent towards green groups like Greenpeace. Over the years public sympathy and funding have morphed them from a free-floating fringe group into something akin to a political party. As everyone knows: When a group professing altruism becomes political, things invariably go wrong.

I remember an old Readers' Digest article about how their "Save the Seals" campaign, led by that witch Brigitte Bardot, ruined an Inuit community by depriving them of a livelihood. Today, the Inuit are hunting seals again, as well as - what I regard as a slap-in-the-face for Greenpeace - Canadian fisherman, who partake in an annual seal slaughter to eliminate the competition for cod, pollock and salmon, while earning a profit doing it.

How long will it be before they cross over to the dark side and employ the terrorist tactics so favoured by loony legions like PETA and various animal welfare groups, who pick the easy battles and ignore the good fights?


Life After Whales
It confounds me that Japan, a well-spring of innovation and improvisation, is in no hurry to find a solution for the sword of Damocles hovering over dozens of fishing communities who supplement their income by killing or capturing whales and dolphins: "What the hell do we do, once we drive them all to extinction?" There's one Japanese fisherman who has given up whaling and dolphin hunting to organise whale watching tours. Others may not be as receptive to the radical idea that a live whale is just as valuable as a dead one.

Maritime patrols would be a good career path for former whalers. Pirates? Terrorists? Straying North Korean vessels? Suicidal Greenpeace pontoons? Imagine the large metal shank of a harpoon several feet long protruding out of the eye-socket of some stubborn captain of a trespassing ship. What other "Don't Bleeping Mess With Us" message could be more straight-to-the... -point?