Every year, when I visit my grandparents' shared grave, I always pray for one thing: health. But with me getting sick due to bad eating habits, lack of sleep and exercise and an overall unhealthy lifestyle, I've come to wonder...
What do I need to be healthy for, apart from work?
My relationship is in pieces. My social life has shrivelled. I'm not motivated enough to write or try new things. Even book-related events no longer interest me.
At the KL Alternative Bookfest, my mood was ruined by the roadblocks and lingering illness that I didn't enjoy the atmosphere. Poor Ted Mahsun, he bore the brunt of it.
"What?" he asked, rooting me on the spot as I turned to leave, perplexed that all I did was give him a 'hi'. "I only get a 'hi'?"
"Everybody gets a 'hi'," I said reflexively. At that point, it was true. Physically I felt like shit and I couldn't stay there any longer. And I couldn't forget what happened several years ago when I wrote a certain article. I wasn't ready to reconnect.
On top of it all (among other things), I'm still grappling with what I've learnt something about myself early this year that pretty much explains:
Why I'm such a socially inept introvert. And why my responses in a social setting feel ... pre-programmed? Like I picked it up from a book.
Why I can eat, do and enjoy the same things over and over and over again - until boredom finally sets in.
Why I don't mind or prefer to be alone most of the time.
Why I tend to get thrown off by unexpected changes in my daily routines.
Why I generally find animals more appealing than people - and why I hate crowds.
Why I communicate better in writing than oral on-the-fly presentations (where I trip over my ideas and words).
Why I can go on and on about certain topics in a lecturing tone, ignoring the level of interest of other people, making me look like an arrogant schmuck with zero EQ (so I'm told).
(Probably) why I am such a Chinese New Year hamper of neuroses: fear of heights, fear of dirt, and so on.
And I spent over RM200 and waited three weeks for two books that would enlighten me on this to arrive. Think I only needed one. But the books can wait.
Right now, I'm in the middle of fixing some of those bad habits that keep making me sick, so I've put a lot of recreational reading and writing on hold. I don't even see the point of writing all this down.
Maybe I'm just good at forgetting what pains me.
But perhaps I shouldn't forget.
Maybe it's because I keep forgetting that the same hurt keeps recurring, like my throat and sinus infections.
To keep all of that at bay, some things will need to change.