Some Water Cooler Conversation

"What? No way!" exclaimed the Tall Dude with Glasses at the office pantry's doorway. I'd just come back from lunch and was about to make some coffee-flavoured beverage.

"Yes, there's a tiny ring on the cap to help you pull it out to expose the hole," explains Tea Lady. From what I could see, Tall Dude and his ilk had no idea that there's a cap on the water cooler bottle that has to be removed before it's installed. That didn't surprise me.

"Whoa! Like, totally news, man!" he said, moving a stray strand of hair back into place. "We just plunk the whole bottle in there!"

I believed him, because there was evidence of that. Outside the pantry laid the said bottle. The removable cap had caved into the hole where the tube's supposed to go. Sometimes we get bottles that are sealed with plastic labels with more visible tabs, but they just ignore the obvious and puncture the seal anyway - before "plunking" it in. I wonder if they do that in "real life" as well.

"Well," said Tea Lady, "now that you know, don't do it again."

"Okay," said Tall Dude.

I entered the pantry a moment later. "What a frog-in-a-well," I cracked, probably within earshot of Tall Dude. Not that I care, anyway. Besides, I have almost seven years of experience in the office. Even so, one would be able to do the right thing with a bit of exploration. Specimens like Tall Dude are everywhere nowadays, no thanks to the education system.

"He's not the only one," Tea Lady told me. "The people upstairs do the same thing." A brief stop "upstairs" later in the day confirmed it. Where's the creativity, the constructive daring in today's youth? It makes one despair.

"Maybe we should have a water cooler usage seminar or something," I mused, half-serious about the notion. Other seminars worth conducting would include essentials like writing (with pen and paper), interpersonal social skills (without cellphones and the Internet), proper washroom habits, anger management, along with sex and driver's ed. And yes, respect for public property.

Tea Lady brushed it aside. "No, that's not necessary. But it does get frustrating when things get broken. They (presumably Accounts or Purchasing) get testy when requests come in. It's getting harder to get things fixed now."

I agreed. Since the building's administration left, faulty wiring, air-conditioning and water supply became bigger problems than they used to. "Why don't we record Tall Dude's statement and send it to them?" I suggested earnestly. "It'll make things easier, I'm sure."

Tea Lady balked. "That's not necessary, either. But thanks for the suggestion."

"No charge."

Why, It's My First Book Launch Too

As a spectator, that is.

The book launch went well; more so for me because I set out to 1Utama earlier than usual. I arrived around noon, so I killed some time at the Crossfire Arcade.

At the fifth level parking lot, I watched with incredulity at the two cars parked on a designated roadway, blocking my route. Two irate guards were already there, radioing for backup, which arrived not long afterwards. I watched with satisfaction as the guards transformed the plot of concrete into a secure RM50 VIP parking spot, complete with locks (wheel clamps). When a bunch of flummoxed youngsters found their car firmly clamped to the concrete my joy for the day was complete. They learned a valuable lesson.

Yvonne had returned from Los Angeles after a successful tumour-removal and brainstem implant surgery, and was officially launching her first book. It would've been a shame to miss it. Not only is she an author, celebrity and friend, she's also the local blogosphere's first bionic woman. I was disappointed with the low turnout among the local blogging celebs, but Kenny Sia more than compensated for it. His presence there was a surprise. Suanie and Jack were also present (and I neglected the Hoegaarden!).

After fixing a few glitches with the mini-amplifier, the launch was underway. Yvonne talked about herself and the story of how she finally got published, taking sips of water every five minutes or so (a side-effect of the surgery, a theory she later confirmed). A short Q&A session followed. Most of the questions were fielded by an elderly Caucasian man with neat handwriting.

I now have a signed copy of the book, which I finished within an hour. There wasn't much volume, but Yvonne's message was conveyed in a concise, direct manner, a blessing for people with short attention spans. "I'm Not Sick, Just a Bit Unwell" may sound cliché, but it's a nice, uplifting read. More proof that good things don't need to look big.

Do They Dream of The Girl From Hell?

The first season of the anime series Jigoku Shojo (Girl from Hell) ended last night. I found the ending OK, but a bit anti-climatic. The whole series wasn't all that spooky to begin with.

It does, however, offer a peek at what's going on in Japanese/Far Eastern society lately: bullying, back-stabbing, unrealistic expectations, the stifling demands of centuries-old traditions and the desire to retaliate against all that. Thus, in true escapist fashion, fantasies like the Girl from Hell were born. How many of these angry, bitter souls would give up their chance of entering Nirvana in exchange for vengeance? Plenty, I'd say.

In the same report, according to the BBC's Tokyo correspondent, views on suicide in Japan haven't changed much since the days of the samurai. Even my cynical self finds this abhorrent beyond words. They are notoriously clingy when it comes to traditions. What is tradition anyway, other than behaviour sanctioned by ages of use? This kind of obstinacy annoys me a great deal. The willingness to lie and bribe to justify whaling; encouraging middle-aged princesses to supply male heirs for a purely symbolic dynasty, without any heed to their health and the objections of their spouses; and now, this.

Suicide, like vengeance, should be never be a "responsible" choice for anyone.

If the BBC correspondent's claims are true, Japanese society is in terminal condition. This country needs its young more than ever. The Administration, however, is overrun by dinosaurs who are instead brainwashing them about the "good old days", cultural superiority and that those fourteen losers in Yasukuni are actually heroes. The Mainland Chinese aren't helping either, with their ceaseless demands for "atonement", "apologies" and - the magic word - "compensation".

Confined by tradition and bogged down by other people's emotional baggage as well as their own, it's no surprise that some Japanese choose to take their own lives. How many others would be dreaming of the Girl from Hell?

Sense Over Sensitivity

One day, while surfing the radio channels on the drive home from work, I stopped when Red FM 104.9 announced the airing of a "prize-winning ad". I kept my hopes low. "Prize-winners" from this country are famous for antics that draw laughter and ridicule from the international community.

"Oh, beautiful monster," sang a man in archetypical Indian-accented English, "why are you jumping in my heart?"

Before the defense could rest, the singer went and strengthened the case further by quoting Roberta Flack: "Now you are killing me softly with your smile... ."

It was Celcom, extolling the virtues of its new Tamil SMS services, "because some things make more sense in Tamil". After that horrid demonstration by that Hariharan-wannabe I could find no argument against it. That logic could be applied to foreign groups like Modern Talking and Michael Learns to Rock.

To drive the point home for the more thick-headed listeners, a melodic female voice posed a question in a similar accent, "How can baby fish eat a killer whale? How can that be?"

At that point I cracked up. It was awful, derogative and insensitive.

It was also hilarious.

Hopping Onto The Book Ban(d)wagon

Are you upset with the latest list of books banned in this country? You're not alone. A small cadre of bibliophiles have even set up a blog to reverse what they feel is a worrying trend. While I find the ban irksome, this kind of excessive mothering shows that the government doesn't think we can decide what's good for us.

Frankly, I'm not much of a book lover, so it doesn't affect me a whole lot. I'm doing this for fun. And I don't like being painted as a cloistered, immature puritan out of expediency.

One thing noticeable (and predictable) about the list is that most of the titles have something to do with sex, religion and women, or a combination of two or more of those. It looks as if the censors took just one look at the title and BAM! Down came the rubber stamp. Maybe it's the exhilaration in the stamping, like a power trip. Or, maybe it's something else that's the real focus of the stamper's ire.

Anyway, with the help of Amazon.com, I took a closer look at some of the books not investigated by fellow watchdogs.

• The Beauty of Chinese Yixing Teapots
  This ban is a mystery; all the book apparently talks about is tea and teapots. I see no reason for this, except that maybe it's the author that's banned, or if there are pictures of teapots that look remotely sexy. Or, maybe it was really, really late at night. They were sleepy and thought they were looking at The Beauty of Chinese Yixing Sexpots instead. So, down came the rubber stamp.
• Women
  This book, by Annie Leibovitz and the late Susan Sontag, does have some provocative pictures: partial nudity, exposed innerwear, etc. Of course the chances that it could be abused are great, but better stroke materiel is available through the Internet, and from our legion of young, brilliantly-coiffed bootleggers. Big heavy deal.
• Company to Company Teacher's Book
  "...for anyone studying or working in business, commerce or administration who needs to correspond in English," says the blurb. I don't know why this was banned either. Did the author use an unflattering scenario about Malaysia in a case study? Or maybe it's the emphasis on using English as a business medium that offends the officials?
• How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It's Best to Start Early, But It's Never Too Late : a Step-by-Step Guide for Every Age
  I still shudder with dread when I recall the New Straits Times report about our youth's ignorance on sexual matters ("You mean, sex is for making babies?"; "I can get AIDS through sex?"; "Sex makes me pregnant?"). They need to know, have to know. Don't deny them the knowledge.
• Taking Chances
  Unfortunately, the ISBN given for this book was wrong, and a word search turned up multiple results. But I guess the title alone is threatening enough. Too many Malaysians are causing catastrophes by taking chances on roads, gaming machines and Magnum 3-D betting centres. What would happen if they started taking chances at general elections?
• Life on Earth: And Other Pieces (The New Cambridge English Course)
  They banned an English course supplement? Can you blame me for thinking this is part of some covert nationalistic war on the perverse penetration of the English language in our society - which might actually be a good thing?
• Addicted to Love: The Kate Moss Story
  What's worse than a book that "glorifies" an anorexic, neurotic supermodel, or a book that "glorifies" a drug addict? A book that "glorifies" an anorexic, neurotic supermodel who also happens to be a drug addict, with a topless but covered picture of said stick-figured substance-abuser splashed on the cover... Gah! My eyes!
• The Poor Bastard
  An anonymous reviewer talks about this book, thus: "...Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy feels trapped, treats girl like crap and takes her for granted. Girl breaks up with boy and moves on. Boy can't get over it, ...and falls into a hellish, self-conscious existence pondering his hang-ups, aging body, mortality, inability to meet women, obsession with porn..."
  
  Hmm. Does this sound like people we know?
• The Missing Page and Ransom
  These books by Singaporean Douglas Chua, set in an alternate reality where we are really at war with Singapore. Somebody has issues.

On the other hand, banning Spongebob Squarepants from the airwaves is a much better move. His bizarre laugh gets on my nerves.

Today's Matinee Feature

More than 5,000 policemen. 1,000 Road Transport Department enforcement officers. 8,000 firemen. A 15-day nationwide campaign.

Road accidents: 15,716 cases.

Death toll: reduced by five.

Ops Sikap XI
Malaysians Don't Give a Damn

Today The Malay Mail sarcastically asks, "Is Ops Sikap XI worth it?" The answer's blatantly obvious.

They don't care about their loved ones, and don't mind leaving them with tragic memories.

They don't mind being compared to four-year-olds or the colour-blind.

They don't mind spending the rest of their lives in a coma (they don't like cookies baked by their children too, it seems).

They don't mind orphaning their children or widowing their spouses.

They don't mind orphaning other people's children or widowing other people's spouses.

They're convinced that driving big or expensive vehicles grants them g*d-like status on the roads.

Most of all, they don't think it could happen to them. So far, at least 15,716 people found out they were wrong.

So was it worth it? Not to me. But such a minor setback won't stop the roll-out of the next big production, Ops Sikap XII: Malaysians Still Don't Give a Damn.

Lite Bites 13/10/2006

It's the end of the day, and drafting posts at home while online is a real drag.

I opened the front door this morning and Cloud, one of the two black cats of the neighbourhood was sitting there at the porch. Friday the 13th greeted me in style.

---

My first Moonshine event was OK. The bands were good, but unfortunately I couldn't stay long (my apologies, Albert). I'm recovering from another bout of food poisoning and I wasn't feeling too good that night. And there was still all that second-hand smoke.

My friend Sarah had joined me after a chat with her friends. She couldn't stay long either; she'd been up since 6am and I was afraid she'd fall asleep behind the wheel and crash (like an accident site I saw on the way home last night), so I gave her leave to leave.

The girls from Rhapsody were great, as was Lightcraft. Sei Hon was OK, although he did forget some lyrics, and his song about a guy in love with a lesbian also touched a raw nerve in Sarah.

Before I left I had to thank the man who made it happen. Great job, Reza.

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Tourism Minister Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor is irritated because, according to him, the foreign press is unfairly targeting Malaysia about the haze. "On BBC, on CNN, everywhere I look, it's all about Malaysia. 'Stay away from Malaysia; it's the haze season.' Why don't they bash Singapore, Brunei or Indonesia? It's hazy there, too," he rants. "Maybe it's me they're after, I don't know. I know that some people like me, some don't. They're jealous, I tell you. They're jealous of Malaysia."

I don't know about the "being jealous of Malaysia" part, but honestly, the reason I think we're so popular is because of the tremendous noise we make every time our neighbour starts exporting smoke particles from burning trees, grass, palm trunks and the occasional charred orang utan or arsonist. As an asthmatic, I can't be too quiet about this. Especially since this might be turning into an annual event. The air in KL is already bad without the haze.

With regards to our Tourism Minister: It's always the prerogative of the ruling elites to pull out some Western conspiracy theory from the air (and there's plenty of substance in the air right now), so I'd suggest taking his "envy of Malaysia" theory with less than a pinch of salt. Until recently, I've never even heard of him.

Case in point: When I brought this up with Irene during a phone conversation, her reply was, "I don't know either! I don't have time to care or find out! My finances are a mess, my car's a mess, my life's a mess! I have more important things to worry about!"

Same here. I'm beginning to feel kind of jealous of the Tourism Minister. He seems to have so much free time.

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Novels, art exhibits, cartoons, plays, and television shows have been the focus of radical Islamic rage throughout the world recently as these born-again warriors of the faith emerged from the shadows where they lurked, at last finding their voice and power after that event known as 9/11.

The latest target of their ire? A glass structure built for Apple Computers. Why? Because it looks like a cube, and it resembles the Ka'ba.

Problem is, nobody's even reported on this when I came across the news bit this afternoon. In fact, some reports are claiming that the "furore" over Apple's Glass Cube, along with other issues, was largely exaggerated. There's even some kind words from Muslims for the design.

But let's give our Muslim brothers and sisters some credit. The majority of them are generally unfazed by any threat to their faith, real or otherwise. When a senior official at a local company postulated that greeting non-Muslims Happy Whatever-Their-Religiously-Themed-Holidays-Are that included invoking names of alien gods was blasphemous, government officials begged to differ. The chief of a local Muslim think-tank went so far as to suggest the fellow be sacked. Hey, live and let live.