Despite being warned that its lifespan and that of its ilk won't exceed three years (it only has a one-year warranty), I picked it up. Turned out I needed a PC in the house after all.
(Apologies to all those who warned me against budget laptops. They will probably be proven right.)
It runs Windows 10, and some of the grouses circling online about it seem warranted, such as updates in the background without notice - not to mention Asus-installed bloatware - and the machine is slower performance than its predecessor. Getting it primed and scrubbed for use was nerve-wracking.
If this is the future of computing, it looks pretty bleak to me.
I don't even plan to take it out of the house much. Which means I might return to static (as opposed to mobile) computing at some point.
Though I managed to find a USB 2.0 hub that allows me to use the mouse (I never am a touchpad person) and the modem, freeing the lone USB 3.0 for external drives, the design is such that I can only use, maybe, two ports at a time because the ports are so close together.
At least I have a PC. And I plan to make it pay for itself. Write, write.