Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Something Off-page

I was ill for a long while, between mid-March to almost mid-April. I feel fine now, but the sense of dread over getting sick again remains.

Every year, when I visit my grandparents' shared grave, I always pray for one thing: health. But with me getting sick due to bad eating habits, lack of sleep and exercise and an overall unhealthy lifestyle, I've come to wonder...

What do I need to be healthy for, apart from work?

My relationship is in pieces. My social life has shrivelled. I'm not motivated enough to write or try new things. Even book-related events no longer interest me.

At the KL Alternative Bookfest, my mood was ruined by the roadblocks and lingering illness that I didn't enjoy the atmosphere. Poor Ted Mahsun, he bore the brunt of it.

"What?" he asked, rooting me on the spot as I turned to leave, perplexed that all I did was give him a 'hi'. "I only get a 'hi'?"

"Everybody gets a 'hi'," I said reflexively. At that point, it was true. Physically I felt like shit and I couldn't stay there any longer. And I couldn't forget what happened several years ago when I wrote a certain article. I wasn't ready to reconnect.

On top of it all (among other things), I'm still grappling with what I've learnt something about myself early this year that pretty much explains:

Why I'm such a socially inept introvert. And why my responses in a social setting feel ... pre-programmed? Like I picked it up from a book.

Why I can eat, do and enjoy the same things over and over and over again - until boredom finally sets in.

Why I don't mind or prefer to be alone most of the time.

Why I tend to get thrown off by unexpected changes in my daily routines.

Why I generally find animals more appealing than people - and why I hate crowds.

Why I communicate better in writing than oral on-the-fly presentations (where I trip over my ideas and words).

Why I can go on and on about certain topics in a lecturing tone, ignoring the level of interest of other people, making me look like an arrogant schmuck with zero EQ (so I'm told).

Why I can tunnel deep into a topic or subject and soak up whatever I can about it (Javascript, HTML, CSS, prongramming languages) - and totally ignore stuff I'm not interested in (like math and RPG programming).

(Probably) why I am such a Chinese New Year hamper of neuroses: fear of heights, fear of dirt, and so on.

And I spent over RM200 and waited three weeks for two books that would enlighten me on this to arrive. Think I only needed one. But the books can wait.

Right now, I'm in the middle of fixing some of those bad habits that keep making me sick, so I've put a lot of recreational reading and writing on hold. I don't even see the point of writing all this down.

Maybe I'm just good at forgetting what pains me.

But perhaps I shouldn't forget.

Maybe it's because I keep forgetting that the same hurt keeps recurring, like my throat and sinus infections.

To keep all of that at bay, some things will need to change.

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