Teaching Is Tough

A playground quarrel between two kids puts a teacher on a quest to set Malaysian youths straight, one student at a time


For a short while, the hashtag "Mak Kau Hijau" (Malay for "Yo momma's green" - I know, right?) was trending in the Malaysian Twittersphere. Other than how catchy it was, I had no idea what it was or how it came about.

Then, while browsing the shelves at a bookstore, this jumped out at me...

"Mak Kau Hijau!" by local publisher Kopi Press, on the
shelves at MPH Bookstore in Mid Valley Megamall

Note the brilliantly designed green-tinged cover and loudly screaming title. Who WOULDN'T be captivated?

Sadly, very little of the comedic writing seemingly advertised by the cover design and back cover copy can be had in the pages but I got over that quickly. It did explain the origin of the hashtag.

Apparently, someone recorded a video of a playground row between two kids where one of them, while exchanging insults, yelled "Mak kau hijau!" at the other. This video was posted to YouTube and went viral.

"Yo momma's green!" isn't exactly an artful or incisive insult, even for kids. But what irked author and teacher Emir Abu Khalil (his pen name) the most about this incident seemed to be the crass language and lack of manners.

"Stupid!" he writes. What are our youth learning, he asks. What are they being taught at home, at school? Where did they pick all this up?

Being a teacher, this affects him plenty. In his job, he sees a lot of what the YouTube video encapsulates. But his beef is also - if not mostly - for the person who recorded the video rather than break up the fight, whom he compares with those who slow down and gawk when driving by accident sites. The author seems to tremble at the thought of the young graduating into such a society.

This collection of chapters in Cikgu Emir's life as he sets his students straight through teaching and setting an example for his students to follow. Its format is what I'd describe as blookish (i.e., blog in print).

A Kopi Press book at a kedai kopi moden: at Artisan Roast, TTDI
(by the way, that's not coffee)

Each chapter is no different from a blog post: relatively short, colloquially phrased and not thoroughly spell-checked. (Maaf ye, terkeluar taring penyunting tadi. Tanda work-life balance terganggu kot.) Episodes of his schoolteacher days are spliced with musings and opinions on how to cultivate the right kind of values in students.

I found the religious bits uncomfortable; at times, reading this, I felt like an intruder, an unwelcome fly on the wall. So all that religious stuff naturally flew over my head - as did his lamentations of how young people are these days: no manners, why do they talk like this, why don't they pray ... and so on.

But there are moments of levity, made lively by the use of contemporary Malay patois, which includes local slang and English. That helped move things along tremendously. One also feels he's not quite the traditional white-skullcap fire-and-brimstone kind of person. Did he really use Miley Cyrus's "The Climb" as a teaching aid?

Some might find the shifts in the mood and tone of the book jarring as he swings between preacher and hipster. But one gets a sense of what he's trying to convey: kids are hard to educate.

These recollections and musings remind me of those of another teacher's, and it seems to me that everyone in this profession share a common goal and certain ways to reach it. Like that other teacher, Cikgu Emir goes beyond what's customary. He buys needy students lunch, maybe loans them money. He leads prayer sessions, holds extra classes. In one chapter, he even helps a student said to be under a black magic spell.

Most of the time, though, he grapples with excruciatingly mortal problems: bureaucracies, students he can't get through to, whether what he's doing is worth it, keeping in touch with his wards via WeChat...

Yet he's determined to prove to his students and the world at large that he's not a cikgu dua lima, the type who only teaches for the salary that usually comes in on the 25th of each month.

Quotable, genuine and devoted to the ideals of his faith and profession, Cikgu Emir (and those like him) is worth cheering for. And this book packs more takeaways than a day's worth that's sold at a mixed rice stall.

But I risk spoiling too much of that by copy-pasting, so I'll just end with this translated bit from the back cover:

"I'm not a perfect teacher, but that doesn't mean I can do nothing to change my students. If you can't do everything, don't ditch everything. If you understand this basic[sic], teaching and nurturing will be what you love best, because this will be your treasure in the afterlife."

Semoga berjaya, cikgu.


Sebenarnya saya tidak pasti sama ada saya perlu mengulas buku ini dalam Bahasa Melayu sebab ia ditulis dalam BM. Agaknya saya lebih cenderung dan biasa menulis dan menyuarakan pendapat dalam Bahasa Inggeris, tetapi entah apa pendapat Cikgu Emir mengenai perkara ni.

Mungkin ulasan ni patut dibuat dalam bahasa yang digunakan dalam buku ini agar maksud isinya, termasuk buah fikiran penulisnya, dapat dipelihara dan disampaikan dengan sepenuhnya, tanpa sebarang kehilangan akibat kekurangan atau kelemahan dalam kaedah terjemahan saya.

Jadi tujuan saya menulis nota kaki ni mungkin hanya untuk membuktikan bahawa tahap penguasaan Bahasa Melayu saya cukup untuk menghayati isi kandungan buku ini. Tapi, perlukah saya berbuat demikian?

Sekadar menulis dua perenggan pun saya dah penat. Nada kaku, struktur ayat pun kekok. Ada perkataan yang perlu bantuan Google Translate. Kemungkinan besar ini sebabnya saya jarang membaca - lebih-lebih lagi mengulas - karya dalam Bahasa Melayu.

---

“Mak Kau Hijau!”

Realiti Budak Melayu

Emir Abu Khalil
Kopi Press (September 2015)
166 pages
Non-fiction
ISBN: 978-967-13523-1-1

If Walls Could Talk: Poets in Gaslight

Poetry isn't my thing. I never quite learnt how to say something in ten words instead of a hundred or so. And I've always been long-winded.

But poetry readings aren't just about words or the process of emoting them. It has a long history, back in the day when thumbdrives and cloud computing were as mythical (and probably impossible) as the spiritual beings and lands that were part of what was orally passed around - sometimes accompanied by music - and stored in heads.

Part of the crowd at the Gaslight Café that night

So a poetry reading at Gaslight Café in Bukit Damansara was a nice change of pace, especially on a rainy evening after work and the passing (hopefully) of a horrendous haze season.

This event, the tenth "If Walls Could Talk" session, was part of a month-long celebration of the first anniversary of the Malaysian Writers Facebook Group. And a good excuse to drop by the café for the first time. Gaslight's a nice spot, but I don't drink, and I didn't feel like anything other than water; what'd I'd been feeling that night was the onset of a sinus infection.

We were told Melizarani T. Selva was away on a journalistic assignment, so spoken word artist Sheena Baharudin was roped in for emcee duty. Sheena's also an educator, writer of Rhymes for Mending Hearts and founder of the local multidisciplinary performing arts gig Numinous.

"Pay attention or I burn you with my 'third eye'..." Sheena Baharudin
took the mic as emcee and poet

She tried to ramp up the atmosphere with a reading of "Moles" which I think I'd heard before, but I guess she wasn't feeling it. Or did she forget some of the words?

Anyway, she managed to pull it off at half-time and I think she should keep her moles.

The first poet to take the stage was Dhiyanah Hassan, "an artist/writer ... whose works orbit around memories and desires, tracing myths in personal narratives, symbolisms that become vital in navigating internal and external landscapes."

(I'm relying mostly on the profiles supplied by the MYWriters people because I hardly know most of the performers. And thanks to my nose, the gaps in my memory of that night were embarrassingly large and frequent. I'm also ticked off with the quality of the camera's low-light photos so I haven't been very precise with the photo compositions.)

Dhiyanah Hassan

I've known Kathleen Choo for a bit longer. She "co-founded the Poetry Underground writer's collective with the Poets of the Underground one fateful year" and, from time to time, surfaces from her currently hectic life to do gigs like this.

Nice boots, Kath

I don't think the crowd that night was prepared for Kath. She did look like she just got out of bed, threw a few things together and rushed to this event. When her set ended, however, BOOM. Where did she come from? the assembled seemed to wonder. Yes, you can believe she did co-found a poets' collective.

(Okay, she fumbled a bit, too. Some days it happens even to the best.)

And yes, she does have a spot (two, in fact) at Publika's so-called "Poetry Walk". This one has a part that succinctly, beautifully describes the pulse of a city.

YOUR poem will never be good enough for Publika's walkway floor

Oh, and she also had a brief news-reading stint at BFM89.9 a few years ago. The first few times she came on I couldn't believe my ears until I asked around for confirmation.

Next was Uthaya Sankar SB, who I consider one of the eminent writers of the Malay language. His fluency in Malay is still something you have to see and hear for yourself.

Uthaya Sankar SB

Of course, his Tamil's pretty hot, too. He opened his set with a short Tamil poem and said, "One thing about poetry readings is that even though you don't know the language, you can still appreciate the poem."

Nari! Nari!, his much-publicised book of Indian folk tales, was one of the many on sale. I bought a copy and- wa lau, they have serial numbers?

Lara Hassan "has been writing from when she was little, although Across Dreamlands (2015) is her first published collection of prose and poetry. She released limited copies of her unpublished chapbook, Small Talk with the Moon in 2009."

Lara Hassan ... any relation to Dhinayah Hassan?

Wani Ardy and The Guitar Polygamy "embodies the spirit of self-discovery and wonderment." Described as a senikatawati (nice), hers was perhaps the most unforgettable performance of the evening. She performed several pieces from her books, published by Sang Freud Press.

Wani Ardy and The Guitar Polygamy: seriously awesome.

Vocalising her poems to the tunes of the band, it was almost like she was singing, yet not quite. What I can get was that something ancient and spine-tinglingly spiritual was going on, even if the instruments were electronic. About thirty seconds into each piece, I imagined many of the patrons were internally moaning F—.

One of the poems, Gula Melaka (page 73 in her book, Langit Vanila, I believe), was particularly memorable: a chaste taste of the kind of intimacy a woman feels in her lover's embrace - with a local flavour.

After the half-time break, the event resumed with readings by Khor Hui Min. A book editor in educational publishing, "her most recent publications include three poems published by Eastlit, and two short short stories published in 'As Life Found Me' from the Taylor's University 'Stories From...' series."

Khor Hui Min

Michelle Leong "is a banker by qualification ... yet a passionate writer". I'd heard about her book The Black Cheongsam and even flipped through a few pages. But I don't know much else.

Michelle Leong

I was equally sheepish to know nothing of Dr Raja Rajeswari Seetha Raman, who "earned her Doctorate Degree in Malay Literature from Academy of Malay Studies, University Malaya. She has a collection of poem and 30 anthologies(!) published by leading publications in Malaysia.

"Recipient of the National Literary Award(!!), her poems have been translated into English, German and in the process of translation in Thai language(!!!). Her book, Mekar Bunga ("Blooming Flower"), is a compilation of 50 poems on various themes such as nature, humanity, patriotism and love for peace."

Dr Raja Rajeswari Seetha Raman

Dr Raja's delivery of her poems was strident and stirringly patriotic. I don't know if the others felt the urge to place a hand on their chests as she read.

When Dr Jayati Roy showed up, I wondered why she looked so familiar.

MYWriters billed her as having "a varied cache of experiences as an educationist, having spent many years as a lawyer, banker, management consultant and professor. Her earlier publications mainly focused on school text books and non-fiction. She is currently completing an anthology of Malaysian short stories and poems."

Dr Jayati Roy

Her book, In the Shadow of My Pen, translated from the Bengali (Amar Kolomer Chaya), "recollects her early life and shares many of her varied experiences growing up in Malaysia."

Then I remembered. She appeared in another book, albeit under an alias. The author of that book had sampled her bright, delightful wit and spoke to me about it, but it was only on that night that we had a taste of it - and clamoured for more.

Angelina Bong was the last official poet for the night's line-up. The Sarawak-born poet and visual artist "with a background in Fashion Design ... represented Malaysia in the lingual arts-poetry category at the 3rd Delphic Games 2009 at Jeju Island. Since then, her poetic performances have travelled to South Korea, South Africa, Botswana, Australia and the UK." (Damn, what's with everybody's impressive CVs?)

Angelina Bong

Her set brought another kind of unearthly feel to the space at Gaslight, one that's more like a forest setting. Apt, considering her background.

Overall, a wonderful evening. And I'll be sure to keep an eye on some of these performers' future appearances.

Jian Goh's Book Talk At MPH Mid Valley Megamall

Goh Kheng Swee, a.k.a. Jian Goh, a.k.a. Miao, recently joined a growing list of Malaysian comic bloggers and artists who have published their own books. Goh's book, Once Upon a Miao, is a selection of episodes from Goh's growing up years in Kuching, Sarawak.

He conducted a book talk and book-signing session at the MPH bookstore in Mid Valley Megamall on 17 October 2015.

It was clear Goh hasn't had much practice with public speaking. But he'll improve with time; there will be more talks and public appearances. Nor can he fully hide behind his online avatar, Miao the orange tabby cat.

Goh started by talking a bit about how he started comic blogging. The former electronics engineer has always been fond of drawing, but his dad had other plans for him, apparently.

The need for this book and Goh's stories became clear when he related tales of his first time in the Malaysian peninsula, where Sarawak and the rest of East Malaysia was some mysterious land.

Goh gives the audience a primer on Sarawakian culture. Here,
he's talking about food - one thing all Malaysians love.

"Do you live in trees?" he was asked. Perhaps as a way of making himself sound cool, he replied, "Yes, but we use lifts to go up the trees." (Author and academic Prof. Lee Su Kim was asked the same question - about all of Malaysia - in Texas, only she said we used escalators.)

Goh also claimed, to the audience's amusement, that Sarawakians also rode wild boars and surfed on crocodiles, complete with illustrations. The boar was cute.

Other cultural differences included the food. In Sarawak there is only one type of laksa, but several types of kolok mee. The first few weeks he was here, Goh despaired at not having Sarawakian food. We were also introduced to several phrases used in Sarawak, and the fact that no, you can't tell what race some people are over there.

Goh demonstrates his skill with a mouse and on-screen art tools.

After a brief reading session - or was it before? - Goh demonstrated his drawing skills with a mouse. You know, those art tools that requires knowledge of how you stretch that curve or break it to form your desired shape?

Goh drew his feline avatar on a laptop; the process was projected onto a white screen. It took him about five minutes to produce a full-colour image and he made it look effortless.

I don't know many artists who do digital art well with a mouse, but since many of his characters are basically composites of numerous shapes, I guess it works for him.

The audience seemed awed by the dexterity in which he drew with a mouse
(at left). "Yeah, some days I can do it with my eyes closed." Show-off.

One thing about my camera was that it was too "auto". It was hard to get a clear shot of the artist and the image on the screen, so I had to settle on one or the other.

...Ah, the book signing. Always the best part.

One lady, known as "Singing Coconut" (on Instagram, I think - don't ask me) bought about 13 copies and Goh signed them all. Those who bought the book on that day - and on subsequent book signings - also got a custom bookmark free.

At left: I'd say Ms "Singing Coconut" was happy with that. In her heart,
she's probably singing right now. At right: NOT Ms Coconut.

Goh claimed that cameras hate him, which is why so few of his posts feature his real face. Do you believe that?

Goh, hard at work at the book-signing table.

Still, I couldn't get fantastic author-signs-this shots of him; this was the best I could do without shoving the camera right up his nose.

More signings. By the fourth buyer or so he started getting requests, and these got more complicated as time wore on. "Me eating something (ended up being kolok mee)!" "Can I have Narutomiao?" (Yes, with kolok mee logo, too.) "Kakashimiao, please." (How do you even?)

Goh seems to be wondering, "Urh, what Kakashi look like again, ah?"
(Okay, so I forgot what his request was.)

Goh was game for anything. It helped that some of the fans brought along visual aids so he could get an idea of what to draw. Take one lady, for instance...

"Can put a ring on this?" No-lah, this lady wanted Goh to duplicate
the nail art in the doodle. Didn't see what it was.

But for others, he had to rely on given descriptions.

Drama Auta: Goh: "Maiku, really want me to draw THAT ah?" Lady in
Red: "You can or not? I challenge you." Lady with Shopping Bag: "..."

This bunch I called "Miao's Angels" because, from the questions and banter, I think some of these people have corresponded with him before. One of them even drew him a balloon with a Miao and some assorted doodles on it.

Goh, a.k.a. Miao and his "Angels". I think the lady sitting down
wanted a Miao doodle with her avatar, a pink fox.

One more, ladies! Because someone asked, "Why aren't you
posing with your books?"

Well, a good session overall. His books are really hot right now, from what I heard. Guess it's true that many people like cats. Especially one that speaks the local lingo and can tell you where to find the best kolok mee.


Goh's Once Upon a Miao: Stories from the Other Side of Malaysia is now available at all major bookstores. A review of his book is here, and here's the podcast of his appearance on "That Time of Night" at BFM89.9.

One-Pan Oven-Roasted Chicken

Now, this famous chef and food pers'nality may be diff'runt things to people, but nobody can doubt that 'e knows what 'e's talkin' 'bout, I reck'n, havin' bin behind the stove f'r years an' countin'. So when 'e put up a video of an oven-roasted curry chik'n, I felt compell'd t'try something similar.

An' I ended up w' sumthin' tot'lly diff'runt.

So I got sev'ral chic'n drumsticks, yea, and marinated it for 'bout an 'our wi' sum curry powder, a li'l salt, a li'l black pepper, sum cookin' oil, sum chilli powder and a pinch or two ov' minced garlic.

While that's marinatin', I sliced up an onion, a couple of p'tatuhs (skins on), minced sev'ral tiny cloves o' garlic and rubbed it all t'gethuh with the same thing I marinated th' chik'n with. I threw sum unpeeled garlic cloves into the pan wi' all th' veg'tables so they roast up nice 'n easy in th' oven, then laid the marinat'd drumsticks on top.

Luv'ly-jubbly.

I popped th' tray into th' oven pre'eated at about 160°C, le' it cook f'rabout 45 minutes and turned up th' heat to almost 190°C for a ten-minute duration, t' let the skin crisp up a bit more.

But b'fore that, I tossed a li'l water into the pan, so's th' bott'm won't burn and, 'opef'lly, get it steamin' a bit so things won't get too dry in there.

Th' r'sults?

Look a' that. Beeyoutif'l.

'Course, ev'rythin's beeyoutif'l when you're 'ungry. Bu' I like t' think there 're other reasons.

Th' drumsticks turned out well: crispy outside, tender inside. Not too salty, either. If I'd taken few'r pictures wi' me phone, I'd've sum'thin warmer and juicier too. Th' p'tatuhs didn't seem cooked all the way, not sof'nough, so I reck'n I should've cut 'em up a bi' smaller.

Th' onion was good, all gooey and sticky from th' sauce at th' bott'm of th' pan. A couple o' garlic cloves were a bit burnt on one side, but th' rest were okay.

'S been a while since I made anything wi' th' oven, so it feels good t' whip up a nice dinn'r on me own. But maybe next time I'll do it wi' the yog'urt and turmeric powder. B't then pe'ple might go, "Al, wha' you doin'? You're not in bloody Essex or even California! Y'got no bis'nus usin' turmeric POWDER when you c'n get 'nuff of th' fresh root f'r 'bout thirty pence!"

Yea, well, turmeric root's also hard to manage wit'out good 'ardware and I want sum'thin I c'n spread easily and evenly on th' chick'n, which is hard 'cus dry-ish marinades don't tend t' stick too well on meats wit'out sum'thin claggy 'n thick t' keep 'em there.

So, f'r a sor'-of-quick dinner: chick'n, p'tatuhs, addition'l veg or two, aromatics an' a rubdown wi' your fav'rut 'erbs or spices, bish-bash-bosh, into th' oven.

'Appy days.

---

I'm aware that these days a certain food celebrity doesn't talk (much) like that, but I wanted to do this anyway. The seed for this was planted years ago when I was challenged (forgot by who) to write a whole piece this way. It was hard. Might even be unnatural and disparaging of said celebrity.

But before I started dabbling with food, much of what I knew about cooking and stuff was informed by the shows made by him and his ilk. And the accent added flavour to his show, like its a herb or spice - which is why I still remember a few bits, even though it's been years, maybe a decade.

I'd like to think that all the years of watching food shows eventually gave me the push to do my own experimenting in the kitchen - and take the steps to trim my dependency on hired professionals and take charge of my own diet. If I am going to drench my mashed potatoes in cream and butter, at least I'll know exactly how much.

Book Marks: Seven Killings, Publishing Mafias

A Brief History of Seven Killings, a Reggae-inspired book by Jamaican author Marlon James, won the 2015 Man Booker Prize. Jamaican authors are elated.

The chair of the judging panel acknowledged the win, though he wouldn't recommend the book to his mother because it was "violent" and "full of swearing".

Forty-plus years of the Man Booker Prize and only now they realise that violent books full of swearing can be great. And why not introduce the book to your mother, Mr Michael Wood? What's a little violence and swearing to a generation that lived through a world war?

Also:

• MalaysiaKini picked up on the local indie publishing scene. "Publishing mafia"? Really? From the tone of some of the interviewees, maybe. Odd, how is this article free for reading when Malaysiakini is subscription-based.
• Gabriel García Márquez delivered letters from Pablo Escobar to Fidel and Raul Castro, says the drug lord's hitman. The hitman, however, stressed that he "was not formally linking the world-famous Garcia Marquez to the Medellin network, only that the novelist 'served as a link by delivering letters.' "
• The most looked-up words on Kindle, if anybody's interested. How many of these do you know offhand?
• "Historical fiction is not a secondary form." Jane Smiley, on on history vs historical fiction and being condescended to by "Niall Ferguson, a conservative historian about 15 years younger than me, who wanted to be sure that I understood that the historical novel is all made up, but that historical non-fiction, written by historians is truth."
• "We always think we're right and the other is wrong." A Q&A in The National with Kuwaiti author Saud Alsanousi on his novel The Bamboo Stalk, which features a half-Kuwaiti, half-Filipino protagonist. " We don't know anything about the Filipino," Saud says. "We see him working in Starbucks – that’s it. ... It's because we don’t know his background that we deal with him in this stereotypical and disrespectful way. And because we don't know the other, we don't know our own place in this world."
• What will happen when the copyright to Mein Kampf expires in 2016? Someone at Haaretz weighs in on this. Meanwhile, hissy-fits are brewing at the impending release of this controversial book, including one edition annotated by academics and historians.
• Here's how some publishers deal with politically persecuted authors (not a substantial piece, I think). Ties in with the troubles faced by the Lohvinau House of Literature, an "underground publisher" in Belarus, in translating Nobel winner Svetlana Alexievich's novels into her mother tongue.
• The thriving Arab publishing sector is still far behind others, says the founder of the first publishing house in the United Arab Emirates during the Frankfurt Book Fair. Shaikha Bodour Al Qasimi also said "Arabic books are still among the least translated books in the world. This is due to many reasons, but primarily it is due to the lack of agents in the Arab world to promote Arab publications around the world, compared to Europe, America, and Asia."

Oh yes, the second MPH Warehouse Sale for 2015 is happening from 26 October to 1 November at:

MPH Distributors @ Bangunan TH,
No 5, Jalan Bersatu,
Section 13/4, Petaling Jaya
Call 03-7958 1688 for directions

Hours: 8am to 6pm

The map to the venue is here. More details (and offers) can be found at the MPH Distributors' Facebook page.

Zany Zambian Caper

Before I started at the current job, one of the books published by the company caught my attention with its writing and font selection. To hear that it didn't fly off the shelves is sad, especially after I proofed it for e-book publication.

You'd think people would at least be piqued by a title like Peeing in the Bush.

In spite of the title (or perhaps because of it), this punny, punchy,
pungent and at times poignant travelogue didn't move at light speed.
Why, I wonder?

Far from a survival manual for travellers venturing into places with non-existent plumbing, PitB is a travelogue of author Adeline Loh's (mis)adventures in Zambia, which began as many of these adventures do:

"WHAT??!" [my boss] said, his eyes bulging out in disbelief. "Let me get this straight. You're quitting, for no reason whatsoever, but to go have fun?"

"Yeah," I replied nonchalantly.

He regarded me suspiciously. "And this isn’t because you've got another job offer?"

"Nah."

"So where are you going?"

"I dunno." I shrugged. "Africa, perhaps."

Of course, Loh had trouble convincing people that she wasn't nuts for picking the Dark Continent as a travel destination; it's amazing how many prejudices people have about Africa and its people and wildlife.

And finding a companion for the trip was hard. Eventually, Loh settled on "Chan", a "typical sheltered goody-goody" who's also Buddhist and vegetarian, whom she met and sparred with at a martial arts class.

She wasted little time pitching to Chan the adventure of a lifetime:

"Zambia is the ultimate undiscovered adventure travel country, Chan!" I started babbling, widening my eyes and waving my hands about passionately. "It's home to the world's widest waterfall Victoria Falls and the awesome Zambezi River! We’ll go on unforgettable safaris where you'll have real close encounters with unique mammals! It will be like we're in a perpetual Animal Planet documentary! And the wild scenery ... mmm, you’ll be picking your jaw off the floor! Can you believe all of this is found in one friendly country? Trust me, you won't regret it – it will be the trip of a lifetime!"

If you have a bridge (or two) in Penang you'd like to sell, Loh's your girl.


Zambia in a nutshell - or two
Visa problems upon touchdown in Zambia is a great way to start one's very first African sojourn, as Loh found out.

She and her sidekick Chan's itinerary included a safari in South Luangwa National Park, paddling a canoe along a stretch of the Zambezi River, a visit to the Livingstone Museum, getting hammered (Loh, not Chan) at a sunset booze cruise, and a private (and disastrous) five-day mobile safari in a beat-up van at Kafue National Park.

And what trip to Zambia would be complete without a fly-by of Victoria Falls (again, only Loh) in a microlight?

Of course, Loh was prepared for her African voyage, which includes getting acquainted with the local vernacular: "Encouraged, I bravely practised more words I had learnt from the guidebooks ... the most essential being Yadula! (It is too much!), Chonde, ndi paseni mowa (Please give me a beer), and Onani! Njoka! (Look! A snake!)"

Even so, they were not quite prepared for the squalor in some of the neighbourhoods they visited or passed. Urban perils include being propositioned by local men, smooth-talking vendors, dodgy safari guides (the dodgiest one was a one-eyed huckster that sounded like he was conscripted straight out of an Indiana Jones flick) and temperamental managers of various lodges, motels and hostels - on top of rickety vehicles, could-be-better public transport, problem plumbing and the barely-there roads.

Out in the bush, hippo-infested waters, crocodiles, baboons, lions, the matriarch of an elephant herd and biting, stinging insects made things exciting. There is in fact a bit about how to pee in the bush, but the fun, as Loh demonstrated, is how you get there.

She packed a lot of her observations, recollections and research into this book, which will serve lost travellers who find themselves without a corresponding Lonely Planet or Fodor's guide (do note that it's been years since this book was written).

Her breezy gonzo style: punny, gung-ho and a little heavy on the adjectives hint at a polished pen and years of writing. The text knows how to grab the eyeballs and hold the reader's attention.

Nevertheless, Loh adroitly skips the snark for some topics. A certain poignancy is evoked when she outlines the stark reality in Zambia and several neighbouring countries: poverty, corrupt and despotic leaders, lack of infrastructure and the ravages of AIDS and the courage and stoicism of the locals struggling to get by. Not to mention the problems national parks have with poachers and the bushmeat trade. Ultimately, we end up knowing more than we'd ever want to about this corner of the world.


Smart and witty
But it's the funny turns of phrase that really sell the book; if it weren't for the occasional reference to Malaysia, you wouldn't realise this was a local production. And how the phrases turn. Take this excerpt from a dinner at a restaurant:

When dinner was served, I nearly had a heart attack. Clearly they had mistaken a lone, 40-kilo, five-foot-one Chinese girl for a small African village. I sat down to the kingly feast: a washing basin of starter soup with three dinner rolls the size of bricks, a huge two-inch thick slab of medium-rare T-bone steak, a large avocado stuffed with mashed eggs, a whole baked potato the size of an infant's head and a wok-sized bowl of raw salad. I could not see the table anymore and wondered how many days it was going to take for me to finish everything.

Then there's an early encounter with a denizen of the Zambian wilds at a safari chalet, leading to this comedy routine of an exchange:

"...a palm-sized hairy spider clinging to the seasick-green wall like an unsightly mottled-grey mole. With its white-banded legs spread widely, it zipped around like a frenetic UFO before pausing to taunt us. Chan tried to shoo it away.

"Don't do that! Kill it, KILL IT!" I yelled like a lunatic.

"I can't!" she cried. "I'm Buddhist!"

That still cracks me up.

We also get some animal sex. Specifically, hippo sex. Loh sounded underwhelmed, though:

"...there wasn't much rumpy pumpy going on. The inactive male merely lay motionless atop her like a dead fish. Every now and then, she'd come up for air and continue making the breathy sex sounds. That's as exciting as it got. I hoped she's had better."

Ouch.

Though her artistry with words really shine in some of the passages, a few glowing examples can be found, like this one:

"...the large marabou stork captivated me the most. It’s the ugliest, most ghastly bird you will ever see in your life, with a clunky bill, grubby head and the back of its dirty pink neck riddled with short sparse hairs. Still, the moment I laid eyes on the scavenger dining on the rotting dead and pooping on its own legs to cool off, I knew I was in love with Zambia."

(You're right, Adeline. Maybe my backyard could use a bridge...)

And all the above was just from their romp around South Luangwa National Park – about one-thirds into the book.


But is it too "clever"?
I also noted her commment on the canoe trip along part of the Zambezi River: "Nothing could beat creeping up on drinking elephants, examining the dental work of yawning hippos and inviting crocodiles over for tea by dipping our fingers in the water. It was going to be the thrill of a lifetime ... as long as nobody dies."

Such cautious bravado drips from time to time, befitting the setting in which this escapade took place. But I wonder if anybody told her that bull sharks can also be found in parts of the Zambezi, hence one of its aliases, the Zambezi shark?

Some, however, might find the snark too thick, the tone too pandering to foreign audiences. Critics might think Loh's trying too hard to be clever; samplings of the above can feel gimmicky, and one can't be blamed for thinking she's showboating. And, as a former boss once said, "Gonzo is dead."

Is it really, though?

Because as attention spans shrink along with the length of what's written these days, I still believe it's this kind of work that readers are likely to pass the time with. The tone is light, with enough trivia, insight and gravitas that makes you feel a little more joyful and wiser after you're done.

That's true for me, at least. And I've read much worse.


Not quite "wretched", "godforsaken"
In spite of their travails, Loh and Chan came out unscathed (otherwise, no book). The former was even left with an "African hangover", the kind one experiences after listening to a certain song by Toto. In her words:

"I had anticipated a whole lot but I hadn't anticipated becoming so attached to a country my dad had described as a 'wretched, godforsaken place'. We had had the time of our lives, and surprisingly, ended up none the worse for wear. By sheer miracle we had given food poisoning, yellow fever, bilharzia, malaria, hypothermia, sleeping sickness, meningitis, fungal infections, intestinal tapeworms and drowning a miss. Best of all, we did not get eaten.

"Even so, I was going home with something else: memories of Zambia that would continue to haunt me for the rest of my life and make me wish I had never left ... the Southern Cross [constellation], lions brushing past our open vehicle, boisterous markets, walking safaris, fleeing from hippos on the Zambezi, Play-Doh nshima (an African staple), gliding over phenomenal Victoria Falls, bush loos, booze cruises, mud villages and spending the night in Beat-Up Van would reduce me to a space cadet for months on end.

"All the beautiful, warm people who shared their intriguing and scary stories with us. All the adorable animals that could not wait to devour us. And all the fabulous salmon-pink sunsets that never failed to leave me gasping for air like an asthmatic."

Zikomo kwambiri (thank you very much), Adeline Loh and Chan, for sharing.


While I do not review books published by the company, this one came out around 2009, about a year before I joined. Still, it feels like I'm skirting a VERY tight bend by classifying this as a bona fide book review.

---

Peeing in the Bush

Two Panicky Girls, Lots of Dangerous Wildlife, One Hell of a Trip

Adeline Loh
MPH Group Publishing (2009)
231 pages
Non-fiction
ISBN: 978-983-36986-0-8

On The Verge Of Touching The Sky

Let the tracks in Owl City's Mobile Orchestra move your heart to the edge of the earth and soar to the heavens


"I ain't to sure what I believe in, but I believe in what I see
And when I close my eyes, I see my whole life ahead of me..."

So begins "Verge", the first track in Owl City's latest album, Mobile Orchestra.

In May, before the album's release, Owl City frontman Adam Young tweeted (or "hooted", if you like) the lyric video for the "Verge" single, which revolved around graduating from college or university.

Aloe Blacc, his collaborator for the track, thought the graduation angle would be great for it; Young's was about weddings. Either angle works; the rousing anthemic track can be trotted out to celebrate a new phase in one's life. When R&B and hip-hop man Blacc heard the track, he felt that "it sounded like it could be ... quite inspirational."

Oh, very much, from the way it straps rockets to your heart and launches it to the "edge of the earth and we're touching the sky tonight..."

I finally got a copy of the album in September. So I'm a little slow. Or perhaps it's the music stores here.

The album's title was inspired by Young's realisation of how technology allowed him to stuff an orchestra's worth of sounds in a laptop – to him, a blessing and a curse – and his inability to switch off the creative side of his brain that's being bothered by an unfinished song or melody. One the bright side, he doesn't need to assemble a band of humans to scratch that musical itch.

His early stuff has been derided as light, fluffy and sweet; I'd call it pixie-dust electronica/synthpop. He even manages to make werewolves ("Wolf Bite", not in this album) and the aftermath of a father's suicide ("This Isn't the End") sound nice and cheerful – that is, if you don't pay too much attention to the lyrics.

From The Midsummer Station onwards, however, I feel he's moving even more towards experiments with different sounds and genres, and joint efforts with other artistes. Yuna worked with Young on "Shine Your Way", featured in the Dreamworks animated feature The Croods.

After "Fireflies", I've been looking forward to his new releases. I'm not a fan of every piece, but when there are more hits and misses in an album, it's worth the time and effort to own one.

The album kicks of with "Verge", which encapsulates the excitement and anticipation of one on the cusp of receiving one's degree. Listeners are transported back to the graduation hall (or whichever milestone), all nervous and elated at being on the threshold of a new life.

Blacc's resonant vocals in the middle (bridge, maybe?) convey the soaring pride, joy and conviction in the new graduate's pledge to make good and do good with the acquired skills and knowledge:

From now on there's no looking back
Full steam ahead on this one-way track
From this day forward I will make a promise
To be true to myself and always be honest
For the rest of my life, I will do what's right...

Much has also been said about Young's spirituality, and fans have been combing his work for signs of that. Several pieces in Mobile Orchestra leave no doubt that he's a good devout boy from Owatonna, Minnesota. "You are my light in the dark," he croons in "My Everything", "and I sing with all of my heart..."

This track is, Young said, "my attempt at summing up how important my faith is to me, and certainly how much influence it is, not just the decisions I make creatively as an artiste but every area of my life, you know ... across the whole board."

He also hopes it will provide encouragement to the "spiritually weary or tired" who need a nudge to get out of whatever fix they're in. "If somebody's mood is lightened for 30 seconds or a minute while they're driving to work because of this song, I felt my job is done."

I think part of it also has something to do with his insomnia, and having gone through several sleepless nights myself, I can empathise – especially if he's sleeping better these days. Sleep deprivation is not funny, and one is always glad when pleas for deliverance are answered.

Besides Blacc, he also collaborated with several other musicians and artistes for this album. "Unbelievable" – which sees Young and the guys from Hanson recalling stuff they had or experienced when they were kids, including the Fresh Prince, Jazzy Jeff, Lion King, Jurassic Park and "I won't lie, my friends and I were too legit to quit" – was bubbly straightforward fun.

"You're Not Alone" (with Britt Nicole), Young suggests, addresses and assuages the feelings of isolation and being distant one feels, even within a crowd or among a gathering of loved ones. The chorus says different, though.

The country-themed "Back Home" is also particularly emotive. This track, featuring US country singer Jake Owen, brings a tear (or ten) to the eye as the verses strum the heartstrings, compelling one to pack one's bags and say hello to tree lines, "free time and starry nights, to bonfires and fireflies".

And as one's vision blurs with each additional reminiscence, memories get addled and some of the lyrics start sounding different...

Back home there's a girl named Ong Joleen
A kopitiam off the main road that I've never been
And every red-dirt road is a trip down memory lane
And back home, where the palms grow thirty feet tall
And momma's chicken curry is the best of all
The casuarinas are waving till we come back home again

Even the last track, the previously mentioned "This Isn't the End", didn't dampen the overall mood created by the album. Instead, one is left with hope and optimism that things will be okay, that more and better Owl City tunes are still to come.

With great tracks and great replay value, Mobile Orchestra is the album to grab and keep you company in a traffic jam or, better yet, your balik kampung journey as you say goodbye to the street lights and city skyline.

♪ So pack your bags it's time to go~ ♫