Coffee With WildGuy at KLCC

I couldn't sneak off early for a lunch date with WildGuy, but I made it anyway. I sought the healing provided by more social contact with friends. That need grows as you get older. And it's fun talking with him. He sets everything straight with his warped philosophies and wry observations.

(So McDonalds has a mini-outlet at the food court now - and it's not even a year since my last visit)

There were musings on death, mercenary work in the Middle East (and the beauty of RPGs, AK47s and M16s), abuse of the suffix "-cino" by Malaysians, and an acquaintance of ours with an eerily reptilian nature.

"Have you heard from him lately?" WildGuy asked while we were having McDs.

"Nope," I replied. "Not a peep."

"Same here. Haven't heard from him for a long time now."

"Maybe business has been bad lately, so he hasn't had much activity." I sipped my Ribena (who cares about that vitamin C thing? It still tastes good). "So he's probably hibernating. You know how reptiles are."

WildGuy cracked up. "Yeah well, it's the rainy season. The weather is cold, after all, so it's understandable." As usual, he had the last word. There was also something about bloggers, but I forgot what.

KY had a prior arrangement, so he couldn't join us for coffee right after lunch. By the time he was ready, the coffee was gone and I had to leave.

The coffee? Tastes like anything ending with "-cino" should taste - in Malaysia, at least.

Imagine If They Were 300 Years Old

"Why is it so bad lately?" a female colleague asked about the traffic situation in KL this week. Another female colleague said some roads were closed, but didn't know why.

"The Royal Malaysian Police are celebrating their 200th anniversary," I supplied. "They've closed the roads to Dataran Merdeka for the festivities." Where they prance around in shiny uniform and showing off at the motorists' expense, I mentally added.

Female Colleague #1 rolled her eyes.

"What? The police are so old already?" asked Female Colleague #2.

"Of course," I said. "The British formed it first."

The modern police force was in fact founded by our former colonial masters. Clinging stubbornly to ancient roots, the Malaysian Police's web site insists that they went back as far as the Malaccan Sultanate, when the Police Chief was known as the Temenggung. True in a sense, but it doesn't justify shutting down part of the city's busiest traffic grid for a self-promoting celebration.

Weren't there any vacant National Service camps they could've used for rehearsals? And after that, I'd suggest they do all their well-practised marching, chanting and human pyramid building in a deserted stadium on a weekend, make a high quality DVD recording of it all and have it on sale at every police station. It'll reach a wider audience, be available for viewing all year-round, and would take care of any Police Day "celebrations" - and all related road closures - for the next two centuries.

How to Avoid Helping Terrorists

The Information Minister says mainstream journalists and papers are selling themselves short by quoting blogs and web sites, sources of "news" that he says have no credibility.

May I quote him on that? Oh, right. I just did.

Terrorists - and those who help them - now face the mandatory death penalty if their actions kill people. Malaysian airlines will soon be warning foreign visitors about the dangers of drugs and terrorism.

Just when we're trying to woo more tourists this year.

To counter the additional cynicism the ruling would engender, I'm offering tips on how you can keep from being an unwitting tool of mass destruction.

• Beware of people who ask for directions - and help in carrying luggage.
• Be careful when donating to charity. You know what they say about good intentions and the road to Hell.
• Drivers of buses and cabs would have to watch who they're ferrying.
• Hotels, resorts, budget inns and the YMCA should conduct stringent checks to prevent their establishments from becoming fly-by-night operation centres for al-Qaeda and Jemaah Islamiyah.
• Sales clerks of places like Ace Hardware, IKEA, 7-Eleven and all retail stores should keep an eye on strangers who loiter around too long at the electrical goods and cellphone departments.
• And you cellphone peddlers too should beware. You know how they set off those remote controlled bombs in Madrid?
• Homeowners! Beware of who you sell or rent your property to. That also goes for you car owners.
• Pizza Hut! McDonald's! Shakey's! Domino's! Do you know who your riders are delivering to?

Follow my advice and you won't go wrong.

Really.

And Happy Visit Malaysia Year 2007.

Live Here At Your Own Risk

"At your own risk" is a phrase habitually used by operators of parking lots, amusement parks, hotels, gyms and every other conceivable establishment as a talisman against the wrath of irate customers.

Because it often works.

Welcome to Malaysia, where living is as perilous and exciting as a reality TV show. In a country where civil disobedience means speaking your mind, there are other hazards.

• Two students, one of whom lost his hard-won academic certificates along with his luggage, had their bags stolen when the bus they were travelling on spilled cargo onto the road after the doors of the luggage compartment failed.
• A boy drowned in a swimming pool, a venue even the Guinness Book of World Records wouldn't consider as a candidate for World's Deadliest Place. And this isn't the first time.
• There's an underground parking lot in the city that invites you in, but politely tells you that your car may be submerged when it floods.
• A colleague left her car at a parking lot at Bukit Jalil to commute to work via the Light Rail Transit. She came back after sunset and found scratches in the paintwork.
• People have died at our theme parks - and National Service camps.
• Did I mention snatch thieves?

We make frequent calls for accountability and transparency from our politicians, civil service and law enforcement authorities, yet turn a (seemingly) blind eye at the surly parking lot gateman who just sticks his hand out for money (and be really really surly when you refuse to pay). Being a small-time operator should no longer be an excuse for shoddy service.

People take risks in casinos and stock markets. When overclocking CPUs, climbing Mount Everest or bungee jumping. Selling the Iraq War. Buying books by first-time authors. Having pet cats.

Something is seriously wrong when the risk of losing your life is associated with things like getting your car from the parking lot, riding the bus or just walking down a quiet street.

Now there's a slogan for Visit Malaysia Year 2007.

Because There's Nothing Else Blog-worthy Today

In a bid to crawl out of the woodwork, the Tourism Minister paraphrases Epimenides, with predictably catastrophic results. The gaffe, picked up by Chinese dailies in the country, soon had the female half of the local blogosphere fuming. Plus, the timing could not have been worse.

Now, I don't read the Chinese papers (because it would take too long, and I don't know most of the characters), particularly because, like their Hongkie counterparts, they have a tendency to sensationalise. But we are talking about some one who suggested that he was a conspiracy victim when the regional news media harped on the big bad haze that happened last year.

It's also true that most bloggers jump on such gaffes like pumas pounce on sheep. Most sheep, however, don't make themselves stand out from the crowd. And we don't go out of our way looking for something to tear apart. At least, not here in Malaysia.

We just sit back and wait.

Life Imitates Fiction

Some things are so surreal they belong in Hollywood. Or manga-dom.

"Guess who are the people who will be working under me," Sister #2 chirped. She's been promoted to Assistant Manager, but the post means going back to Penang - and when Sister #1 moves out before this year's end, I'm without enough people to rent the house I'm living in - a more private crypt with our own ASTRO feed.

Then she points to the framed acrylic black-and-white portrait of a wedding couple she painstakingly painted last year as a gift, and delivers the punchline. "Sales manager," she booms, pointing at the bride, and, "sales director!" with a finger trained on the groom. Cue evil laughter.

Now who wouldn't like a boss like that?

What, Over Already?

I'm back - and still feeling jet-lagged.

Saturday, 17 February - Chinese New Year's Eve
In an effort to beat the last-minute Chinese New Year traffic, Sister #1 decided to leave at 4am. For a while, things went smoothly. Then we reached the stretch near Rawang, where the number of tail-lights more than compensated for the missing street lamps. An accident involving two express buses also complicated things.

"Say, where's your Samy Vellu voodoo doll?" I asked Sister #1. She keeps quiet.

Oh, it's as if you don't have one.

It was pretty much the same as we approached Ipoh, too. And there was another accident. Earlier on, there had been ads on the radio from the Transport Minister, a police chief and the Deputy Prime Minister pleading the public to drive safely. Personally, I think they might have had better results if they'd used celebrities.

Thursday, 22 February
While checking the parts of my scalp affected by neurodermatitis, Mom found white hairs (note the plural).

If not for this DefCon II-level alert, I wouldn't have believed I had a biological clock.

So that pretty much sums up my holidays. How was yours?

The Night Text Came Alive

The Information Ministry is cutting back on TV ads that feature Pan-Asian actors and models for some obscure reason. Some of those Pan-Asians cried discrimination; supporters hailed equality. WildGuy, a friend and a typical Pan-Asian Adonis, might be interested in stirring that pot.

It was a disappointing day at work. Then I was out late because of an event. During the intermission, when I just, just had to go, all the public washrooms were closed. There was an encounter with a flooded washroom with an overflowing drainage outlet. When I came back there were even more mosquitoes at the venue.

It was really late when it ended. To get home, I allowed myself to be fleeced by one of the local cabbies, who, I swear, grow fangs, sprout leathery wings and develop an unhealthy fetish for velvet-lined capes after sunset.

But it was worth it.

At first I didn't really want to attend the international readings event (artfully dubbed Night of The Living Text) because of the ungodly starting time of 8:30pm, which is - coincidentally - around the same time I get off work nowadays. In the end however, curiosity triumphed, as it often does in my life.

It turned out to be quite an adventure.

Finding the venue wasn't as difficult as climbing the stairs. The elevator, disguised as a bar entrance, was as temperamental as its camouflage was deceptive. I found myself looking at a white-washed and spaciously empty art gallery, vaguely partitioned into three areas.

On the left, a Malay man (whom I later learned was Hishammuddin Rais) whose appearance I normally associated with intellectual rebels was giving an audience of a similar bent a lecture on philosophy. The gallery in the centre was empty, save the framed black-and-white photos lining the walls. I veered off to the right.

The emcee, Sharon Bakar, was already there. Later, Jordan MacVay and the missus arrived. I noticed right away that there weren't enough chairs. Since there was still time before the event, I took a trip downstairs for a potty break. Someone was smoking there and had completely corrupted the air with his toxic effluents. I resisted the urge to drown him in one of the commodes (he was going to die early, anyway).

But enough about me. Here are the highlights of the event.

• Roger Robinson, a native of Trinidad who resides in London, gave a masterful performance as he narrated the story about a kung-fu-obsessed Trinidad boy, gambling with numbers (has anybody told him that we have something similar?), and Sharon, a girl who was nicknamed "Virgin Island" because of her hard-to-get attitude. Two rounds of laughter from the audience and Roger's apology couldn't even clue me in on the joke. Not right away, at least.
• An atypical English language professor introduced the second reader, a fellow Penangite called Tan Twan Eng, to the audience. He also - predictably, as it is at such events - flogged his first book, The Gift of Rain. He read an excerpt of the opening chapter from the book as a teaser.
• Kam Raslan, who looked like Harry Potter gone Kerouac on that night, read some tasty bits from a chapter in his new novel that might raise some hackles among the Malay gentry. By now I knew enough to conclude that book-flogging is a recurring theme at readings.
• The Filipino playwright Isagani Cruz was very much the stage actress he was portraying through a monologue. Amid subtle messages about the good old days and encroaching modernity, he found time to poke fun at himself. I liked that.
• Ke Hua Chen, the eye doctor-slash-poet from Taipei dispensed some good advice before he read his piece. A temporary technical glitch prevented us from listening to a recorded track of the same poem, with a musical accompaniment, which made a moving piece even more so.
• Our favourite bookaholic had a new nickname.

Not that the others were boring. Everyone was great that night, and I'm sure there are others who will write about it. Work has been awful and I'm practically worn out every night for the past two weeks. But I'll get my bite back, someday.

Name Dropping at Bangsar

My second Readings event could be one of the better ones, despite the homoerotic slant of some of the pieces that were read (and the constant flogging of Silverfish New Writing 6, which had contributions by some of the readers). It also exposed the conservative, antiquated mindset I was trying to evict from my tormented skull.

I was glad to see Sharon, Sharanya, Burhanuddin and Ted Mahsun again. Jordan MacVay and Lainie were a sight for sore eyes too. I finally met Amir Muhammad, producer of the senselessly-banned film The Last Communist, in person. Ruhayat X showed up with copies of his pop magazine Elarti, and I managed to snag a copy. Also met the Madcap Machinist, and thanked him for his kind comments on my contribution at a poetry blog.

And I was, like the last time, overwhelmed by the vibes given out by all the creative minds there.

One Big Fish

I hate it when my throat is sore, because it deprives me of a host of delights and sensations. Like the "new" KFC Alaska Fish Burger, the centrepiece of which is claimed to have thirty-percent more content than McD's Filet-o-Fish patty. Against conventional wisdom, I paid the nearest KFC outlet a visit to have a go at this new offering (before the doctor's visit yesterday, and the ensuing days of pseudo-sadhu hell I'll be going through). I had no high hopes.

Yes, it only looks big on paper.

There was a bit of information on the fish I was eating on the tray liner. No exaggerated comparisons to shark and whale size (like that other KFC fish burger), or testimonials made by fake Mexicans. They actually researched the Latin name for the Alaskan pollack, and provided a list of seafood along with their Omega-3 content, which combined, effectively spelled, "Alaskan pollack from the Bering Sea, the same place where suicidal fishermen hunt crab, is rich in essential oils that are good for you. Healthy munchies for the discerning diner!"

Only sounds good on paper? Bingo.

Pollack (or pollock) is a widely-caught fish, along with the half-dozen kinds of fish listed (including cod, salmon, sea bass and Alaskan king crab), making it vulnerable to over-fishing. Everybody likes it, and is the choice fish of every fast food joint. Now you know there's nothing distinctive about that "100% Alaskan pollock" shtick.

What made the pollock stick in my memory was a snippet that I read (but forgot exactly where) that mentioned a "war" between Canadian fishermen and seals over fish - a great source of motivation during the annual Canadian seal cull.

It's not a bad idea for businesses like KFC to branch out, but if the pollock is going the way of the cod (European authorities have recently raised alarms about rapidly-declining stocks), we won't be seeing any Alaskan fish burgers by 2020.

But by golly, I hope they don't go extinct before my throat heals.

Soggy Friday Bites

1:16pm   Things are not so good at home, you see. It's showing here.

If you've read the news, you'd know that half the country is looking like New Orleans after nature's bitches, Katrina and Rita, threw their hissy-fits. And like those awful days, many of the politicians (even from the affected home states) seemed to have other concerns - no surprise there. The media isn't helping, I think, by suggesting things like minimum donation amounts and adopt-a-village schemes. I've already sent a cheque, thank you.

While my feet are still high and dry here, I feel emotionally swamped as the first few weeks of new things at work overwhelm me. I can't find anyone else to depend on. The weekend brings no relief - I've also been working Saturdays.

The Mongols are not happy with how we are dragging our feet over the murder and body disposal of one of their own. Some of us are glad that Genghis Khan is long dead; others worry about a similar fate, as is the wont of citizens in Third World countries.

There's also this post service blues-thingy, which is really old news made fresh.

Can things get worse? Sure they can - and I'm optimistic about that.


8:20pm   Can you get a plate of rice at a mamak restaurant for RM1.50? I just did. Of course, it was just a small plate, and I'm a regular. The uncertainty caused my CynicSense™ to go haywire, making me count my change twice.


10:25pm   The Templer roundabout and the stretch of Old Klang Road under the NPE were unusually congested. Turns out there was a police roadblock; the men in blue were also calling it a day. Driving past, the side of my car bumped onto some police equipment. I panicked, stopped and wound down my car window. My first brush with the law turned out to be an anti-climax as an officer waved me off, while the drivers behind me reached their boiling point. I gratefully sped of - within the speed limit, of course.


10:40pm   It's drizzling, and I'm standing under the canopy of the local burger stall. The fantastic smell sharpened my hunger pangs. I told you the plate of rice was small.

"...and to you all out there on this Friday night," the radio DJ chirped in Malay, "yes, you the late night workers, those of you driving home late, and the brother at the burger stand..."

Whoa.

"...ah yes, the brother at the burger stand, grillin' them patties for the hungry. Coming up, we have Gwen Stefani and her hot little number, 'Wind It Up', just for you, right here on Hot FM."

I turned to the brother at the burger stand and asked, "Someone you know?"

"No way, man," he replies. He looks just as bewildered as I am by the happy coincidence.

As always, the burger tasted great.

But don't you just hate the way life tries to prove you wrong?

Me, Anonymous Author?

Some career choices are like sand-traps; once you get in, there's next to no chance in getting out. This holds true for most of us who don't have the willpower to just drop everything and chase dreams. I've only met one such person in this country so far. For me, that spoke volumes.

The IT industry as a whole had begun sliding into stagnation oblivion when I picked up my scroll. By the time I recognised the signs it was already too late. Seven years later, my outlook on IT dimmed completely. I was considering other options.

Like writing, for instance.

This other career choice looks just as precarious. Anybody can be a writer, but good writers are exceptionally hard to find. Or maybe I'm just not into literature. When I was much younger, I scorned artists, looking down at a profession that's usually associated with unstable incomes, eccentric behaviour and incestuous cliqués, not realising (again, until it was too late) that such a stereotypical Hyde was lurking within my own developing psyche.

By the time I discovered my budding and barb-covered muse, it looks as if all the good stories have already been written. I've tried my hand in writing fiction before, and it's hard. All the great ideas have been taken and written to death. What's left for those waiting in the wings?

I'd be perfectly happy writing - whenever the inspiration's around: sitting at a PC, hammering away at the keyboard, my nostrils teased by the aroma from the half-empty cup of white coffee lying on my other table (there will be no other weird smells, because I endeavour to keep my den relatively clean). Being misanthropic, I'll probably need an agent to handle the entangling social and financial issues regarding publishing and marketing.

What? I may have to attend public events like book-signings, launches and writers' circles?

Darn, I knew there was a catch.

Artists are bad enough, I should think. What are even worse are celebrity artists. Once they reach a certain amount of fame, something in them dies. That also happens when their mindset changes. I've noticed that my muse visits me when there's this pall over my head (maybe she's been visiting other similar people, the flirt). Whatever friends I have told me I'm too dark, neurotic and cautious. Go out there and live a little, they said. Take a few chances.

Hey, I am toying around with the idea of becoming a writer (and here I am, writing under an alias I won't be using in the future). That's pretty dangerous, don't you think?

I see myself doing nothing but writing for the foreseeable future, even after I leave my current company. But local publishers aren't keen on writers who prize anonymity. Given my opinions about my government and society, I'm not comfortable having my articles tagged with my real name. I'm quite certain that if I toned my act down, the most potent force behind my muse shall dwindle, driving her to seek shelter elsewhere.

But, why not? Does anybody know B. Traven? Me neither. Nor have I read any of his books (sorry, I only read English). But he pulled it off, writing a best-seller under an alias and ultimately, took all clues to his his real identity to the grave.

That has a certain appeal; I don't like being famous, I don't want the kind of attention JK Rowling gets (from housewife to best-selling multimillionaire author - great fairy tale, but not for me), and I certainly don't want to get up on stage in front of thousands of strangers to receive some prize. That sounds paradoxical because writers depend on the reading public for their livelihood.

Then again, that's just like me.